Posts Tagged ‘motivation

05
Sep
20

Mental Health

I am not healthy, not sound of body nor mind. I know this. I’m in the care of a half-dozen doctors for that very reason. But sometimes I think I was better off before they started meddling.

Five years ago, I was still unwell. I was a walking basket case, a wonderful bundle of borderline schizophrenia and severe bipolar depression. I was unmedicated for those conditions, and life was miserable, but there was a plus side: every once in a while, the stars would align, and I’d be blessed with an extended manic period. In such a period, I could crank out five or six short stories, could slam down 30-50k words on a novel length project, had no real need for sleep or other distractions and was able to ignore naysayers and invisibility with an ease that was almost narcissistic in nature.

Then the doctors got ahold of me. Sure, I may not spend nearly every day in a semi-suicidal haze; they’re only once every other week or so, now. But in addition to the hellish, bottom of the pit lows, the wonderful flying above the clouds highs have also largely made themselves absent, and don’t hang around for the week or two they used to last when they do appear. It’s an afternoon or evening of superpowers, and then nothing.

It’s depressing in and of itself. I feel like whatever chance I had to actually be productive and finally write whatever it is that will actually get me noticed, that will sell more than six copies to what family and friends I have, that will actually matter is gone. I could flush the meds, but I don’t think I’d manage to muddle through the black period before I hit the high time, because even missing a day or two is enough to open up the maw of hell beneath my feet and leave me wrecked and shaken for a week afterward.

I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to reclaim my muse. I don’t know how to summon the willpower to care. All I seem able to do is sit and fester, and that’s not healthy… but I don’t seem to have any other options.

It’s especially exciting to be feeling this way in the jolly month of September, apparently designated Suicide Prevention Month, given my online interactions frequently involve people telling me to kill myself. Those same people are often seen pouring out support and encouragement for others. Of course, I’m the “wrong” sort of person to encourage, and I’ve known that for years.

I’m not suicidal, at least not directly – I have too much fear of what’s waiting after death to be eager to meet it – but neither am I particularly enthused to be alive… and I don’t know how to tip the scales. Part of me doesn’t care which end goes up and which goes down, just that the stalemate is broken.

Any fellow sufferers out there? How do you deal? What kind of treatment helped? Do you keep bullishly trying to push through to no effect or just throw your hands up and say “I quit?” Let us know down below.

10
Nov
19

Worth Trying: Motivation Tips — Amanda Cade

Some helpful advice to get yourself moving and keep at it. (Comments disabled here; please visit the original post.)

So some things blew up at work this week, and as a result there are several people, myself included, who are going to be doing a whole lot of extra work in a very short time period. This is not a case of me stepping up to fix someone else’s mistake (as I cautioned against […]

via Worth Trying: Motivation Tips — Amanda Cade

07
Nov
19

NaNoWriMo Progress

From the title, you might think there’s actual progress to be seen.

Unfortunately, that is not the case. Chrysanthemum Graves sits at around 3,700 words as of the last session, which is around 8,700 words short of where it should be to meet the goal of 50k in the month.

There’s a lot of reasons for that. I’ve been sicker than usual (strep throat), I’ve been moving and managed to pull almost every muscle on my right side from my waist to the neck, my mental health symptoms have been getting worse and the shrink can’t see me until the end of the month, I’ve been spending a lot of time arguing on the phone with assorted individuals relating to my medical care, my disability, and bill collectors who are getting rabid. But none of those are the real reason. I don’t sleep much for assorted reasons, so there’s about 20 usable hours in the day most of the time.

It’s motivation. Some of that is tied to the depression, of course, but mostly it’s just a sense of pointlessness to the whole thing. It’s what has been beating me back from trying to write for two years now, and every day it only seems to get worse. It’s a sense of “why write it down? I pretty much know how the story goes, and nobody else is likely to read it anyway. Lots of effort for no gain.” There’s the part that looks at garbage like Onision’s books and starts festering. Some folks would go “I can do better than that,” and set out to do it; I say “I have done better than that, multiple times, and nobody cared.” Meanwhile, Stones to Abbigale sits happily at 3.5 stars with 800 reviews (mostly only drug down by the hate-readers, from what I see.) I’m aware comparison is bad form and a quick route to self-defeating thought, but part of me can’t help it. (I suspect it’s the part that was told again and again that I wasn’t good enough and someone else was always better, or the part who was told his accomplishments meant nothing while others benefitted from them, claimed them as their own or were celebrated for hitting far less impressive milestones. Some scars don’t heal.) There’s the part that still remembers my mom saying “Nobody wants to read that crap,” despite not having read a word of what I had written, and chucking the sheets I’d printed into the trash. There’s the part that remembers a coworker who asked what my hobbies were; when I told them I write, their response was “Git gud.” That individual also writes; primarily gender-swapped and trans-centric Ms. Peregrine fan fiction that has never seen a spell-checker, let alone an editor or even a pass through Grammarly. It does very well on Wattpad, from what I’ve seen. (Certainly leagues better than anything I’ve posted there.)

I know I’m a petty bitch.  Even the Grammarly plugin is giving me a frowny face. I just seem to be lacking the knowledge of how not to be.

Hopefully some of the rest of you writers out there are doing better, both in the great NaNoWriMo race to 50k and in general.

KA Spiral no signature




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