Posts Tagged ‘mental health


Mental Health

I am not healthy, not sound of body nor mind. I know this. I’m in the care of a half-dozen doctors for that very reason. But sometimes I think I was better off before they started meddling.

Five years ago, I was still unwell. I was a walking basket case, a wonderful bundle of borderline schizophrenia and severe bipolar depression. I was unmedicated for those conditions, and life was miserable, but there was a plus side: every once in a while, the stars would align, and I’d be blessed with an extended manic period. In such a period, I could crank out five or six short stories, could slam down 30-50k words on a novel length project, had no real need for sleep or other distractions and was able to ignore naysayers and invisibility with an ease that was almost narcissistic in nature.

Then the doctors got ahold of me. Sure, I may not spend nearly every day in a semi-suicidal haze; they’re only once every other week or so, now. But in addition to the hellish, bottom of the pit lows, the wonderful flying above the clouds highs have also largely made themselves absent, and don’t hang around for the week or two they used to last when they do appear. It’s an afternoon or evening of superpowers, and then nothing.

It’s depressing in and of itself. I feel like whatever chance I had to actually be productive and finally write whatever it is that will actually get me noticed, that will sell more than six copies to what family and friends I have, that will actually matter is gone. I could flush the meds, but I don’t think I’d manage to muddle through the black period before I hit the high time, because even missing a day or two is enough to open up the maw of hell beneath my feet and leave me wrecked and shaken for a week afterward.

I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to reclaim my muse. I don’t know how to summon the willpower to care. All I seem able to do is sit and fester, and that’s not healthy… but I don’t seem to have any other options.

It’s especially exciting to be feeling this way in the jolly month of September, apparently designated Suicide Prevention Month, given my online interactions frequently involve people telling me to kill myself. Those same people are often seen pouring out support and encouragement for others. Of course, I’m the “wrong” sort of person to encourage, and I’ve known that for years.

I’m not suicidal, at least not directly – I have too much fear of what’s waiting after death to be eager to meet it – but neither am I particularly enthused to be alive… and I don’t know how to tip the scales. Part of me doesn’t care which end goes up and which goes down, just that the stalemate is broken.

Any fellow sufferers out there? How do you deal? What kind of treatment helped? Do you keep bullishly trying to push through to no effect or just throw your hands up and say “I quit?” Let us know down below.


REBLOG: Become a Contributor Writer for The Bipolar Writer Collaborative Blog — The Bipolar Writer Mental Health Blog

If you’ve got some info to share about mental health, the Bipolar Writer is looking for contributors; give them a look!

One day, I hope that I could walk away, and the blog will continue down its path without much guidance from me. That is where contributor authors come in. There has been a slowing of my current author’s writing, and that’s okay. I pride myself on not putting pressure on authors to write anymore, but I would love more voices added to the collective.

Become a Contributor Writer for The Bipolar Writer Collaborative Blog — The Bipolar Writer Mental Health Blog

Health Update

img_0123Long and short of it, I’m still borked.

But there’s been some improvement, if only on the mental side of things. The shrinks decided “Prozac ain’t cuttin’ it. Let’s try something else.” They then introduced me to the wonders of Latuda.

On day 1, I pretty much was instantly kicked out of the depressive pit. On day 2, I saw the warning signs of a manic phase. On day 3, mania had descended. Day 4, it was fading. Day 5 and since, I’ve felt… normal. It’s weird. I’d almost forgotten what that felt like.

I believe the message here is: Take your damn meds. If what you’re on isn’t working, call the doctor and tell them so. Don’t keep quiet. Moral #2 is “don’t expect instant change.” Give it a week or two to see what changes occur. Moral #3 is “don’t get discouraged.” Easier said than done, especially for those of us laboring under depressive or bipolar disorders, but it’s key. Psychiatry is more art than science thanks to the wonders of individual chemistry, and a lot of it is throwing darts to see what sticks.

So far as the physical front, it’s only getting worse. I’m still lucky if I can get an hour or two of uninterrupted breathing, and making a quick Target run to pick up coffee and sugar or my latest prescription or getting the mail or taking out the trash is an effort that sometimes seems as monumental – and potentially lethal – as climbing Everest. But I continue to survive. It’s almost funny, really; I’ve heard a joke a few times that basically sums it up: “I have autoimmune problems. I’m so awesome, only I can kill me.” It’s true. Snake and spider bites? Nothing. Broken bones, blood loss, shredded flesh? I laugh at you. Questionable food choices hold no worry for me – except for that last trip to Red Robin – and with the exception of severe hydrophobia, I’m not worried about the elements either. But my immune system (or lack thereof, depending on how many steroids the pulmonologist has decided I need that week) certainly seem to have it in for me. They’re still saying surgery is probably the best option, and it’s still painfully out of reach.

I’m going to take a second and get semi-political and “problematic,” primarily because someone felt the need to inform me that my GoFundMe and Patreon were unnecessary and pointless because I have privilege that will protect me. This person has a fairly sizable Patreon, and has done multiple GoFundMe campaigns (usually to pay for legal costs as they have difficulty following rules like paying rent, having a driver’s license, registering their car, or leaving an establishment when told they are not welcome) that were quite successful. To them – and anyone like them – I say “fuck you.” Your imaginary concept of privilege doesn’t seem to care what color or sexuality I am; it cares that my lungs are an easy target and seems determined to rip them to shreds. Also “fuck you” that someone who flaunts the law, wants to scream victim and oppression at every point, and relies on made-up bullshit to grift people feels the need to take time out of their busy day explaining how there’s a secret squirrel account tied to their “Straw Man’s” SSN that can pay off all debts to harass me for the cardinal sin of asking for help. Wanna trade? I’ll take your skin color and sexual status if I also get your bank account and apparent immunity to criticism or consequences, and you can have my privilege and my lungs. We’ll see how that goes.

Okay, got that out of my system. Wait. Not quite. “Sovereign Citizens and Moors are giant dickbags, and if they think they’re beyond the law, then we should just start shooting the assholes and be done with it.” Go ahead. Lien my bond or whatever. It’ll be funny.

Okay, really done with that. But, in all seriousness, my lungs are fucked, my finances are worse since I haven’t been able to work in over a year, and I could really use some help. If you think you can assist, please take a minute to drop by (or share the link) my GoFundMe or Patreon. It’d really help.

Thanks for reading, everyone. Hopefully I’ll have a bit of fiction available for you next week. Still mulling it over. We’ll see how it turns out.

Until next time.

KA Spiral no signature


Good Things Coming… Maybe

The move is almost done. I’m feeling a little better after a medication tweak and the doctor’s visit. I may have wrought mass destruction on what manuscripts existed at the time, but I feel like I may be able to come back to the keys.

My computer is in its new home, though still missing the desk. The desk weighs almost 200 pounds. Getting such a thing down one set of stairs, into the bed of a truck that has no tiehooks and a tailgate you can’t put down, 30 miles southward, then off said truck and up a set of stairs is something a cripple like me has yet to figure out. If you’ve got any ideas (or are in the Salem, OR area and willing to help), let me know. Then there’s the lady of the house’s desk, which is even heavier, and let us not forget the dresser, which isn’t horrendously heavy (at least, once you take the drawers out and the mirror off) but incredibly awkward and just a teensy bit longer than the bed of my truck.

My employer has received the doctor’s notes stating just how fucked up and broken I am. One can only hope they say “Oh. Shit. Guess he is broken.” We’ll find out next week. Hopefully it’s good news. But at least I’ve finally gotten all the paperwork done on my end.

I still need surgery. It still costs a fortune. If you’ve got a dime to spare and feel like dropping it in my bucket, it’d be much appreciated; you can find the GoFundMe right here. Or if you like my stuff and want to contribute on a more ongoing basis, you can stop by my Patreon. Everything helps, and is always appreciated, and if there’s anything I can do in return, you need only ask.

I think that’s it for today. My back and lungs are destroyed from what I did manage to do today, even though it wasn’t much. Meds, then sleep, I think. Until next time.


A guide to handling anxiety — ontheedgeofeverything

Struggling with some anxiety? So are others, and they have some tips to share. Check it out! (Comments disabled here, please visit the original post.)

Allow me to put this simply: anxiety sucks. It sucks a lot, actually. And as much as it sucks, it’s equally debilitating, making it pretty challenging to deal with at times. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I’ve been dealing with anxiety since I was in high school. I’m certainly not an expert when it […]

via A guide to handling anxiety — ontheedgeofeverything


A little chat…

It’s apparently World Mental Health day. It wasn’t an intentional thing that I ended up doing this today – I found out what “day” it was as I was scrolling through Twitter while waiting for my computer to update so I could do the video I was planning on doing two days ago.

I was live on Twitch for about an hour earlier today, talking about a few things. There’s some meandering regarding the vape ban and general irritation, but the main crux of it is about mental health, and specifically how mine has led me to suicidal actions and self harm in the past.

It’s probably not a “fun” watch, but if you’re interested, here it is.

Watch What’s going on? from KaineAndrews on

Going to go crawl back into my hole, now. Or punch people in Yakuza. Haven’t decided which. Hopefully you’re doing something to take care of your own mental health today, or checking in with someone else who needs it. Keep your brains working, folks.

If you’d like to help with my surgery fund and help keep my mental health at least slightly more stable, it’s appreciated; you can find the GoFundMe right here.

KA Spiral no signature


Medicated Downsides

I’ve mentioned before that I’m not mentally well… as if that wasn’t readily apparent from the things I write, read, play and watch. It makes things unpleasant, to say the least, a lot of the time. Even with medication, there’s still periods where the world just, for lack of better explanation, “grays out” and seems half-real and ultimately pointless.

That being said, on the whole, I prefer to have the meds than to be without them… except for one little thing.

Among my problems is bipolar disorder. Saying mood swings are a bitch is an understatement. When they initially diagnosed me, they thought I was severely bipolar and only medicated that. Then they discovered my “normal” was exceptionally low and adjusted to include severe depression. That’s been a little better… but the problem is that my bipolar experience included fairly lengthy – a month or more – periods where the mania would stick around, kick up its feet, light a cigar and make itself comfortable.

I miss those periods. Maybe not enough to say “fuck it” and chuck the meds, hoping the manic phase lands quickly and sticks around – because the low period is literally about six inches from going to bed and never coming back – but still a strong yearning.

I would sleep for two or three hours, add four thousand words to a manuscript, kick out three blog posts, clean the house, stack raid after raid in WoW or dozens of Greater Rift runs in Diablo and still feel energized. To be fair, I’d be smoking like a chimney the whole time, nervously munching on anything in the fridge and consuming prodigious amounts of soda and coffee, but at least I felt productive.

Without those periods, managing a single blog post and one or two sentences on a manuscript or story is an accomplishment. Add in the other health problems, where sitting in my chair or any kind of moving about for any period leaves me winded and exhausted, and even that much feels like a Herculean struggle sometimes.

So… yeah. There’s times where those manic periods look pretty appealing, and I wish I could capture them again and put ’em to work for me. I might actually get something done around here. What about my fellow neurodivergents out there? Do you feel better or worse with treatment? Are there things you wish you could keep from a pre-treatment period, even if overall you prefer the situation when it’s medicated? Let us know down below!

KA Spiral no signature


Worth Trying: Dealing with Stress in the Moment — Amanda Cade

Some helpful techniques to clear the head and get back on track when you need them. (Comments disabled here; please visit the original post.)

A while back, I wrote a post about how to take a few minutes to jolt yourself out of a bad mood. Sometimes, though, we don’t have the luxury of removing ourselves from a situation. When your boss is chewing you out, customers are yelling at you, your kids are having a tantrum, or lots […]

via Worth Trying: Dealing with Stress in the Moment — Amanda Cade


Here’s how to recognize anxiety — ontheedgeofeverything

A quick primer on some warning signs. If you see these in yourself, please seek help. (Comments disabled here, please visit the original post.)

I would argue that many of us believe we’re able to identify someone who struggles with anxiety based on the symptoms they may be demonstrating. Some of the most common symptoms of anxiety that are easily recognizable include worrying, self-doubt, insecurity, and panic attacks. What many of us are unaware of, though, are the more […]

via Here’s how to recognize anxiety — ontheedgeofeverything


In The Face Of Mental Illness — The Bipolar Writer Collaborative Mental Health Blog

A peek into the merry-go-round. Well worth reading. (Comments disabled here; please visit the original post.)

There are often many things that fall by the wayside due to mental illness. They include, but are not limited to, hygiene, relationships, motivation, academics, social interaction, romance, honestly the list goes on and on. Though the one thing that I miss the most is probably a mixture of relationships, social interaction, and romance. I’ve…

via In The Face Of Mental Illness — The Bipolar Writer Collaborative Mental Health Blog

Show your support

Adopt an Artist

Take pity, and eternal gratitude will be yours; helps keep this site running and the words flowing.

PayPal Donate Button


Follow Insomniac Nightmares on