Posts Tagged ‘Living Conditions


Take a Breath

New year, time again to remind folks of my issues. I’ve got a GoFundMe running because my lungs decided to enter into a state of rebellion and no longer wish to behave; you can read the full description of the campaign below. If you’d like to help, you can always contribute to the campaign here. Thanks for reading.

Take a deep breath. Hold it in. Let it out nice and slow. Now do it again. Once more.

Feels good, doesn’t it? I hope so, but I wouldn’t know for sure. I can’t do that anymore and haven’t been able to for nearly three years.

I have severe asthma, bordering on COPD, and my condition has been degrading steadily over the last few years. It’s gotten to the point where nearly any exertion, even something as simple as brewing a pot of coffee or taking a shower, leaves me heaving and struggling for breath. I frequently have to use a nebulizer just to attend a doctor’s appointment and generally am so exhausted and weakened afterwards that I end up having to sleep the rest of the day.

I miss being able to step outside just after the rain and breathe deep, feeling that beautiful, damp air slide through my body. I miss being able to stop by the game shop and have a chat about what’s coming up. I miss going to my job, helping people, training others, and socializing with the great friends I had there.

There’s something that may help; it’s called a bronchoplasty. Essentially, they want to shove tiny laser beams down my throat and burn away the parts of my lungs that aren’t working right. Very sci-fi. They tell me this may help, that while it may not remove all my symptoms, it will at least hopefully lessen them to the point where I can take a deep breath once in a while, or go back to work.

Problem is, it’s not cheap and the insurance I have won’t cover it. Being away from my job for almost three years has murdered what credit rating I used to have, cancelled the semi-decent insurance that my work provided, and left me clinging to a state health plan that barely covers my meds, let alone something like major surgery.

I do what I can, trying to bring in some income. I don’t just sleep all day. I write, I blog, I try to stream when I’m feeling well enough and can manage to talk for more than five minutes without a severe coughing fit or fainting spell hitting me. None of them pay the bills, let alone build up enough of a nest egg to get what I need, but at least they pass the time and sometimes can buy a sandwich.

That’s where this comes in. I’m throwing myself on the mercy of the masses. For those of you who have the fortunate position of being able to take a deep breath without pain or fear, just think about what it would feel like to have that taken away… and consider if that is worth your mercy. If not, I understand. Times are crazy and tough for everyone these days. But it’d sure help.

The amount listed for the campaign covers the approximately $15,000 worth of surgery and includes a $5,000 buffer for aftercare and living expenses while I recover. I know it’s a lot. I wish it was less, and that I didn’t have to ask. But it is what it is.

That’s all there is to say, I guess.

Take a deep breath. Be thankful you can. Consider helping someone else do the same. Thank you for your time.


Mental Health Check

I tried to do one of these today, and it didn’t go well. I believe it would be marked a fail, were it the sort of exam one received a score for.

I’m exhausted. I’m frustrated. I’m tired. I’m irritable. I’m depressed. About half of that is due to mental illness -I suffer from chronic depression, so that’s to be expected, no matter how much happy candy they throw at me – but the other half is just the situation I’m stuck in.

I can’t work. Doctor’s orders. The government says I can work. Unemployment says I can work, and I’m not making an effort to find work, so tough cookies. That means no income. That means I’m essentially a leech, which is frustrating and depressing to me.

I can’t write. The part of me that used to want to, used to enjoy it, seems broken in some fundamental way. Some of it is rooted in jealousy and a worldview that has come to say “What’s the fucking point? Why write if no one reads it?” Part of it is writer’s block, having nothing I consider of value to say.

All it seems I can do is scroll endlessly through Twitter, being reminded constantly that I receive almost no interaction on my own tweets, surveys, polls or anything else I post, while being surrounded by people who brag incessantly about their own interactions and accomplishments. That feeds into the writing issues, which in turn feeds into the general malaise which makes me want to do anything even less.

So, yeah, all in all, all red checkmarks. Nary a black to be seen. It feels like the only thing I want to do anymore is sleep, just to move the clock forward, but I have no idea what I’m moving it forward to. The next period of staring at the walls, watching YouTube videos I don’t care about, being angry at the internet and taking a pile of pills that don’t seem to do any good while I wait for my next rejection letter from the SSA? Then, after I do that, I’ve been awake for about an hour or two and want to go right back to bed.

I’d say I’m suicidal, except I’m not. I’m too scared of what comes after to be suicidal. I’m sure it’s nothing good – and for my purposes, nothingness would be considered good, mind you – and probably much worse. But I’m as close as one can get to suicidal without actually doing it, I think. I already want to sleep the clock ’round, and that’s what you do when you’re dead, isn’t it?

I don’t know what to do about any of it. I’m just so done with everything, especially myself.

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