Posts Tagged ‘conspiracy theories

02
Sep
20

The Conspiracy Alphabet

A is for Aliens, streaking through the sky.

B is for Bilderberg, dividing the pie.

C is for Chemtrails, poisoning us all.

D is for Digitization, Mark of the Beast at the mall.

E is for Evolution, the lie of our birth.

F is for Flat, just like the Earth.

G is for Genetics, science twisting our brains.

H is for HAARP, bringing acid rain.

I is for Illuminati, pulling the strings.

J is for JFK, lacking his brains.

K is for Kidnapping, the government to blame.

L is for Lindbergh, an exile in shame.

M is for Majestic, twelve liars in kind.

N is for the New World Order, reading your mind.

O is for OJ, racial tensions created.

P is for Patriarchy, the man falsely inflated.

Q is for Questions, our innocence deflowered.

R is for Reptillians, ruling from towers.

S is for Surveillance, Big Brother in action.

T is for Terrorists, still gaining traction.

U is for UFOs, not weather balloons.

V is for Vaccinations, sealing our doom.

W is for the Warren Commission, spreading the lie.

X is for Xenu, coming down from on high.

Y is for Yog-Sothoth, the Great Old Ones arrive.

Z is for Zombies, when the dead come alive.

15
Feb
18

Cui Bono

“Who benefits?” The all-important question to ask in almost all matters.

But today I refer to it specifically in relation to conspiracy theories; to be more specific, those involving the Flat Earth.

Due to past proclivities, YouTube frequently tosses out conspiracy-related gems in the “recommended” pile, and of late there’s been quite a few tied to the Flat Earth. Most are tied to Elon Musk’s latest stunt. Most are about as intelligent as you would expect. (My favorite so far claims you can see the angles on the edges of the planet where they touched up the photo to make it round.)

Now I’m all for questioning things, regardless of how 100% true we may think they are. I’m also for believing – if only for a moment – some whacked out things and the conspiracies related to them because it’s fun. Evidence my interest in all things JFK, Jack the Ripper, Black Dahlia and Roswell.

But goddamn the Flat Earthers take the cake. My problem with them isn’t that they believe it. It’s that they come up with the most asinine explanations for that belief, and are unwilling to do simple tests. They’d rather sit there and claim NASA has been doctoring photos for the last century – never mind that NASA didn’t exist that far back, be gone, you troublesome facts! – or that all our measurements are messed up because we’ve been lied to these many hundreds of years so you “can’t” go in a straight line, or that gravity doesn’t exist, so if the world was round, everyone in China or Australia would just fall off in their best Sandra Bullock impersonation.

They claim there’s a magical ice wall (which us stupid globe theorists believe is Antarctica) that holds all the water in, while the Arctic North is actually just an island in the middle. But they can’t prove it, because NASA and the UN have a legion of boats that patrol the area and shoot anyone or anything down that tries to get close to prove it.

Aside from the idiocy of that statement – where’d they get the boats? How come nobody has seen them? Who was preventing this discovery before NASA and the UN existed? – there’s a real simple answer. You think a magic ice wall is keeping the water in and makes sure our lovely little disc, banana slice, cookie tray or other totally-flat-and-in-no-way-round planet stays in proper order?

Show me the ice wall.

“But we can’t, because NASA!” they scream. Really? We have telescopes that can probe the surface of Mars in hi-def. You’re telling me they can’t point at something that is, at best, a few thousand miles out and show me where it falls off the edge or is kept in by magic walls? What, is it completely invisible? Okay, then show me the boats, planes, radar dishes and secret alien bases keeping the truth from us. Surely you can do that, right? I mean, on a flat plane with the proper zoom you should have no trouble at all finding that, right?

It wouldn’t matter that all our instruments are tuned wrong, either due to mistake or design, because you’re not relying on planes correcting a circular path when we think they’re flying straight. Do a full 360 panoramic in a giant field in the middle of nowhere. Australia or Africa should suffice. It’s gotta be there somewhere, right?

But aside from all that, and wanting them to prove it besides via poorly researched and misunderstood concepts, there’s a real simple question they need to ask.

Cui_bono.jpg

Cui bono? Who benefits? NASA and the UN, they say, because all that money that’s supposedly going to space flight and exploration, all the money they’re using to study the solar system and beyond or to contemplate terraforming Mars or the moon, is actually lining someone’s pocket or being spent on weird black ops to find the central core of the Hollow Earth and make peace with the reptilian overlords who dwell there or some other shit.

Okay. Fine. Who was to gain from this 2300 years ago, when the idea first started gaining popular traction? What did it matter or benefit ancient Greece to say the world was flat, round or a giant potato crisp floating in the sky? What did it continue to benefit the Italians and British when they came to the same conclusion? Where was the gain for America before NASA came along?

Show me that – with proof, if you please – and maybe we’ll talk. Maybe. Until then, maybe you should get that telescope going.

KA Spiral no signature

07
Jan
18

An Alphabet

A is for Aliens, streaking through the sky.

B is for Bilderberg, dividing the pie.

C is for Chemtrails, poisoning us all.

D is for Digitization, Mark of the Beast at the mall.

E is for Evolution, the lie of our birth.

F is for Flat, just like the Earth.

G is for Genetics, science twisting our brains.

H is for HAARP, bringing acid rain.

illuminati eye is for Illuminati, pulling the strings.

J is for JFK, lacking his brains.

K is for Kidnapping, the government to blame.

L is for Lindbergh, an exile in shame.

M is for Majestic, twelve liars in kind.

N is for the New World Order, reading your mind.

O is for OJ, racial tensions created.

P is for Patriarchy, the man falsely inflated.

Q is for Questions, our innocence deflowered.

R is for Reptilians, ruling from towers.

S is for Surveillance, Big Brother in action.

T is for Terrorists, still gaining traction.

U is for UFOs, not weather balloons.

V is for Vaccinations, sealing our doom.

W is for the Warren Commission, spreading the lie.

X is for Xenu, coming down from on high.

Y is for Yog-Sothoth, the Great Old Ones arrive.

Z is for Zombies, when the dead come alive.

KA Spiral no signature

02
Jan
18

Goodreads Review: Holy Blood, Holy Grail

Holy Blood, Holy GrailHoly Blood, Holy Grail by Michael Baigent

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

Purportedly a factual account of how we’ve all been deceived these many years, that the Templars and their associates live on and continue to manipulate events so that one day a Merovingian king who is also the descendant of Jesus will take the priest-king throne of the whole world, Holy Blood, Holy Grail was the leaping off point for all number of conspiracy theory novels that ultimately led us to The DaVinci Code.

That would be reason enough to be angry with the book, but the fact that almost the entirety of the piece has been discovered to be based on a very elaborate – and, honestly, not very good – hoax yet somehow continues to thrive and inspire believers is mind-boggling.

Aside from the premise and the usual sort of brain-warping logic such as “Knight A knew Knight B. Knight B was in Country C at the time, so possibly met Baron D. Baron D owed money to Templar E, who had written Gobbledegook F, which implies that King G was Jewish, so Knight A must be part of a secret order devoted to restoring the bloodline of Christ to the throne!” You know; the standard stuff that comes out of conspiracy books. But, anyway, yes. Aside from that, we have a tremendously boring and entirely too theoretical set of circumstances that go in circles and ultimately lead to nothing concrete except the authors’ forced interpretations, which they will drone on about for pages and pages, frequently repeating themselves with only minor variations in the incredibly dry word choices and pacing.

I have a little conspiracy theorist inside, myself, and am very much in the camp that assumes if Jesus was an actual historical personage that he very likely had a family of some sort, but the way this book goes about “proving” that bored me to tears and almost made me want to renounce any of my faith in the concept. For me, that’s a cardinal sin; taking an idea someone enjoys poking at and playing with, then shredding it to tatters due to poor execution and research should lead to Misters Baigent, Leigh and Lincoln being subjected to their own painful excommunication from hidden religious orders.

There’s a lot of venom there, I know. But really, it just isn’t worth the time. You’d be better served by reading The DaVinci Code and just assuming it’s nonfiction. At least it flows and seems to have a point to it.

View all my reviews

08
Oct
17

Goodreads Review: UFOs, JFK and Elvis

UFOs, JFK & Elvis: Conspiracies You Don't Have to Be Crazy to BelieveUFOs, JFK & Elvis: Conspiracies You Don’t Have to Be Crazy to Believe by Richard Belzer

Richard Belzer is well known as a comedian, an actor, and a conspiracy theorist; sometimes all three at once, as is frequently the case with his character Detective Munch across many television series and seasons. If you’ve listened to him talk, you’re aware that he brings a signature blend of dry wit, distinctively Jewish-themed self-deprecating sarcasm, and a fierce intelligence to nearly any party.

This book is no different. Belzer is on point in his attitude from the first to the last page, formulating an immensely enjoyable read. For those who choose to take it as comedy, you certainly can; for those looking for a more intellectual exercise, even if you don’t necessarily see the world through the black lenses of conspiracy everywhere that he does, there’s still plenty of interesting ideas to chew on.

If I had one complaint about the book, it’s that the title is a trifle misleading; while there’s plenty of material about UFOs and related phenomena, and more than half the book is dedicated to assorted JFK tidbits, there is a notable lack of Elvis within the tome, short of a couple of brief comparison remarks made near the beginning. Kidding, really; I can do with less Elvis in my life.

A worthy addition to any conspiracy theorists’ (or those who are interested in them) shelf, perhaps the biggest highlight is the extensive bibliography lurking innocently at the end. Worth running down some of those sources to see how far down the rabbit hole it goes.

View all my reviews




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