I had the dubious pleasure of watching Rise of Skywalker this week.
Too long, didn’t read? I hated it. I hated everything about it. It managed to claim the coveted spot of Worst Star Wars Media Ever, knocking the dipso duo of the holiday special and The Last Jedi out of the way in its hurry to claim the title.
That probably marks me as one of those sycophantic fanboys who just gets mad every time the studios, writers, directors or whoever don’t do what I want. I had to hear that enough when I said I didn’t like Last Jedi, too. I don’t think that’s what I am; I just think there was that much garbage in this thing. Of course, I’m probably wrong; I also think Rose Tico sucked, which makes me a misogynist racist and not someone who just thought her plot was stupid, pointless, bloating an already bloated movie or shattering the chance for one of the good characters to have an epic, heroic moment. (For the record, I quite like Finn, and while some have claimed “Because patriarchy!” I don’t care what gender the character is. I just think a reformed stormtrooper who actually does some of the cool stuff is fun.) Also, as much as Holdo irritates me, she’s got some awesome moments, and that lightspeed collision was freakin’ awesome (though I think it should have been Leia, so she got a suitably heroic and awesome death instead of that idiotic flying thing she did and what happens to her in RoS.)
Most folks who accused me of being a misogynistic fanboy who hates all joy would probably be confused as to why I hate Rise of Skywalker even more; after all, Rose Tico becomes a piece of the background, there’s dominant male figures, Reylo happens, Palpatine is back, we get an explanation for Snoke, everything’s back to normal. Except that’s not ever what it was about. It was about telling a good goddamn story that makes freakin’ sense.
That’s where Rise of Skywalker falls flat on it’s face. There’s other problems – that the whole thing feels like 45 or so unrelated 5 minute vignettes instead of a whole movie, that it never takes a second to just breathe and let us take in what happened, that the plot devices were silly and too convoluted, that every time something actually interesting might happen we have to go all Michael Bay and blow some shit up and that most of it feels like Abrahms giving the middle finger to Johnson – but I spent the whole damn time going “That doesn’t make any goddamn sense in this universe!”
So, spoilers ahoy, because I’m just going to run down the list of shit that infuriated me with the level of stupid, the plot holes, the gloss overs, the idiot plans of the characters. Ready? Go.
1. Palpatine is back. If he was a clone (or if the Emperor seen in Return of the Jedi was), that’s fine, I guess. Stupid, but fine. But no indication is made of that. Instead I’m supposed to believe he survived getting hucked down a reactor core, electrocuted, exploding (twice) and planetfall in the remains of a destroyed superstation. Horse shit.
2. Palpatine wants to drain the life of Kylo and Rey to regenerate. Sure, sounds like a plan. Except, if he needs life force, why not eat all those cultists or whatever they were who were bobbing their heads and chanting the Sephiroth theme? Why not suck dry the few thousand Sith troopers who just happen to be on the planet (which is also stupid)? How about the Snokes-in-a-jar (or hell, clone more of ’em and them, too.) There’s no reason for him to sit around waiting for those two. They may be quality eats, but I’m willing to bet devouring a few thousand is going to get the job done. Quantity, in this case, is likely to trump quality.
3. Palpatine wants to eat Kylo and Rey, and lures Kylo to Exegal. Okay. Then, instead of eating him, he lies to him and sends him off to go fetch Rey. Meanwhile, he’s made it stupidly convoluted for Rey to find her way there without Kylo. Apparently, the Emperor has Alzheimers, as he forgot what happened the last time he took a Sith Skywalker and a Jedi into his inner chambers for nefarious purposes. Even if he could somehow keep Kylo loyal, Kylo isn’t a bloody idiot and showed up wanting to gank Palpy anyway. Better to get rid of him and lure Rey in nice and easy.
4. Rey is Palpy’s granddaughter. Excuse me, fuck what? So, the Emperor had a kid, who we’ve never heard of but that he knew about. Somehow this kid is not on the Imperial payroll, and manages to stay hidden until he’s got a six year old, and further somehow manages to hide that six year old from a Jedi hunter. You know, those guys who are frequently force sensitive, trained to track and kill people, and who had the full backing of the Empire? Yeah, them. Somehow missed a six year old (who’s so super Force powerful she learns all the tricks within seconds of being exposed to it, adopts a rare lightsaber form from instinct, and scares the piss out of Luke she’s so strong) just because she’s hanging with a junk trader. Bullshit.
5. Leia being Rey’s trainer. Okay, Luke’s “dead” (not that it stops him), Yoda’s a ghost (who doesn’t bother saying “hey, my presence might be helpful), Obi-Wan, Qui-Gonn, Ezra, Asokha and god knows how many other force ghosts don’t care. She’s got the bloody texts, and what does she need training for anyway? She knows all the tricks and is better at them than anyone else anyway. But Leia, who trained a little under Luke (that we never heard about until now) is now Jedi Master enough to train the next Jedi Messiah? Bullshit.
6. Anakin’s lightsaber. Maybe I missed something, but I could have sworn Kylo and Rey blew it up while playing tug-o-war with it at the end of Last Jedi, and I don’t remember Rey stopping to pick up the pieces before she booked it. But don’t worry, it’s fine, now.
7. The ATVs the stormtroopers use during the chase scene. Why treads? Useless and causing more trouble than they’re worth (both with potential for mechanical failure, and the added cost of having to repair that AND the antigravity thrusters, since it looks like they still float in the back.) Plus the little “launch” hiccup when they have the jetpack troopers take off looks dumb and is unnecessary.
8. “They can fly, now?” Not because I have a problem with jetpack troopers, because that tech has already been shown in Star Wars (Boba/Jango Fett, and I could swear I had a jetpack trooper action figure back in the 80s, though I might be wrong.) But because Finn and Poe are surprised by it.
9. Healing the snake. That was flat out retarded. “Hey, lookit this cool new Force power which has never been indicated to exist in any way previously that I just know how to do, and lookit how I show it off for no bloody reason when I could just cut this obviously hostile – and probably responsible for the death of the Jedi hunter – monster in half and move along! And lookit how it shows gratitude and wanders off!” Stupid.
10. The multi-layer MagGuffins. “I need to get this thing. But to get this thing, I have to find this other thing. Which means hunting for a third thing. Luke and Lando were looking for the thing (and never mind how they knew to look for the thing or what they were doing or why they just gave up) so there’s a clue trail, let’s go!” Further, since Palpy wants her to come, you think he’d make it easier to get there, instead of giving her more chances to show off, learn new Jedi tricks, or harden herself.
11. The magic captain’s coin. I don’t give a crap if you have a magic coin or not (the Empire has previously been shown to be very lax on security, so it not being deactivated or reported stolen I’m willing to overlook), if you fly in there in the friggin’ Millenium Falcon – you know, that ship that was present for two of your greatest defeats, that is the known vessel of several of your Most Wanted targets, that has the Hutts looking for it – general protocol should be to just blow the sucker up. The odds of it showing up and actually having a Sith/Imperial/First Order guy on board who just forgot to phone ahead and submit to screening is essentially 0.
12. Chewbacca’s “death.” Aside from it being a cheap fake-out, you’re telling me Rey and Kylo couldn’t still sense him being alive? Bullshit.
13. C3P0’s memory wipe. “Here, have a touching moment. Have some actual stakes. We’ll make a couple jokes about it. Oh, you thought that would stick? Nope. He’s fixed, back to himself. No worries.”
14. I hate them, but what happened to the Porgs on the Millenium Falcon? They tore the whole thing up and turned it into a giant nest, and one of them acted like it was Chewbacca’s new pet. Now they’re just gone.
15. Palpatine’s Death Star Destroyers. Whether he conjured them with the Force or had a secret factory under Exegal, why sit on them for 30+ years? If you want the galaxy, the time to use them would have been right after you got back from your double explosion. Luke’s the only known Jedi, the Republic is still trying to put itself back together. Nuke a few planets and announce “You thought I was gone, bitches? Nah ah ah!” Alternatively, should have just sent Snoke with a few of those instead of the Starkiller base bullshit. In fact, Palpy being alive and having his Death Star Destroyers makes the whole Snoke ploy utterly pointless.
16. Palpatine’s plan. When not yet up to full strength and planning to eat a couple of uber-Jedi to get there, let’s tell everyone you’re there and about to start killin’ folks. No, idiot. Wait until you’re going to do it, then do it and wait a little longer for whatever terrorist act you commit to sink in, then tell them you’re there. Bragging about how you’re coming is just going to rile up potential resistance, which has never gone well for him in the past.
17. Palpy’s plan, part two. Announce you’re back and ready to blow shit up, lure in your wayward children, eat them. Except, no, that’s not the plan; the plan is to die and possess Rey and make her Empress. This is very stupid. If Reypatine turns up and demands subservience, people are probably not going to obey (at least at first) because Palpy told everyone he’s coming. They’re more likely to be scared of him, and assume that supporting – or accepting – Rey as Empress is just going to make the Emperor mad. Again, don’t tell them you’re coming until you’re actually doing it, dipshit!
18. Palpy’s a dumbass, mark… 208, I imagine. Try to force lightning your granddaughter? Okay; but when the granddaughter starts reflecting the lightning back at you, turn that shit off, yo! Just… stop. Don’t keep firing and disintegrate yourself, you idiot.
19. Kylo magically learns the healing trick, uses it on Rey, dies. Just dumb all around, though at this point I guess Rey fans should be glad she’s not a Skywalker; every Skywalker who uses a cool Force trick dies right after, so…
There’s more. So many more. I could go on for ages about it, but I’m not MauLer, so I’ll stop there. All in all? I hated it, thought it was the stupidest Star Wars media ever made, and want to die.
Your opinions? Did I miss something? Did some of these make more sense to you than me? Let me know down below!
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