Insomniac Nightmares

I’ve got one of my innumerable doctor visits today. Not looking forward to it. All that ever happens is the same series of questions: “How are you feeling today?” “Like the same crap I felt like last time I saw you.” “That’s too bad. Let’s do some more tests.” “Okay. How much blood is it this time? How many X-Rays? Want me to jog in place for five minutes?”

Round and round it goes, and the end result keeps being nada. “Well, you have severe asthma” they say. No shit, Sherlock. How are you going to fix it? “It’s not safe for you to return to work,” they say. Again, no shit. Tell that to the lawyers and the SSA. Oh, you did. They just didn’t think it was bad enough.

I had a work offer the other day. 4 hours a day, work from home, customer service. I’d have loved to take it, if only to have something else to do with myself and actually have some kind of income coming in. But the doctors looked at it, looked at the requirements and said “it’s not safe, and no guarantees you’d be able to consistently do the job. No. Doctor’s orders.”

There’s a phrase I’m sick of. The doctors are always giving me orders, and none of them seem to get me anywhere. I’m on two steroid inhalers, prednisone, an anti-psychotic, an antidepressant, an antidepressant enhancer, three allergy pills and allergy injections and they still can’t fix me or even render me safe to do something as simple as answer the phone with a “how can I direct your call” and they expect me to be chipper about it?

Part of me wants to say “Hell with it,” and stop going at all. But then I wouldn’t be in compliance, wouldn’t be trying to get better, which would give the SSA a secondary reason to deny me, other than the ones they already use, but I really don’t see the point. Same questions, same answers, lose some more blood, get irradiated again, still no answers.

Part of me wants to say “Hell with it,” go to work anyway despite their warnings and work until I drop, if only to prove a point. “Hah,” it will say on my tombstone. “I told you I was sick.” But that’s not going to get me anywhere, either.

It’s all very frustrating, with no end in sight. But I suppose the moral of the story is, if you don’t see a second writing prompt or post from me today, that’s why. Doctor visits always wear me out, leave me wiped out for the rest of the day, and I don’t foresee being able to drag myself up the stairs again to write anymore today. Though who knows? I may defy expectations.

Have a good day, everyone.