Insomniac Nightmares

I spent a couple of hours scouring name sites for common Japanese names and their meanings.

I spent some time looking up the language of flowers and what they mean in different cultures.

I spent two hours pulling my hair out, arguing with someone on whether I am “allowed” to write about an Asian main character. (The person I was arguing with was not Asian, for the record.)

I spent an hour running down articles about the presence of yakuza families in Hawaii because I was told there was “no such thing.” The individual telling me that didn’t even know what a yakuza was.

I spent an hour being interrogated as to why my main character was a yakuza and the antagonist is an onryo, when my “essential whiteness” says I should only have a two-bit white thug and a generic ghost.

I spent twenty minutes having the plight of the Japanese following WWII explained to me, and how it makes it horribly insensitive and problematic to even touch on anything related to it, being a white oppressor who is just as responsible for the nuking of Hiroshima as anyone on the Enola Gay who actually dropped Little Boy.

In other words, I’ve spent about three hours actually trying to work on things relating to the story I want to tell, and four and a half or more being told all the reasons why I shouldn’t be allowed to write it, most of those conversations ending with me being blocked after a healthy round of alt-right insults.

It makes me not want to bother. I had a lot of nervousness going into this, since writer’s block has been kicking the crap out of me lately and fighting with my depression to decide which will leave me less functional today. The little twinkle of an ex-yakuza being stalked by a familial ghost was with me when I woke up one day gave me some hope. “Gosh, maybe I can do something with this,” I thought, as I poked and prodded it. I did a profile over on the NaNoWriMo site, and plastered the little banner in the appropriate places, thinking that gave me some accountability requirements. I was pledging to do this thing, if only to try to jump-start my brain and give me something to focus on besides my physical pains and mental issues.

It’s getting to be more than it’s worth, and making me want to do a full-scale retreat. Not sure what to do about it.