Insomniac Nightmares

I know I’m an opinionated asshole. That’s not news. I like to think I’m a reasonably open-minded opinionated asshole, though; if you can express an opinion in a functional way and there’s logic behind it, you may be able to change mine.

A lot of the folks who would like to change my opinion don’t seem capable of rational discourse, though. They just want to shut you down if you disagree, shriek as loudly as possible about what sort of oppression disagreeing with them is, and conjure mobs of similarly minded folks to descend upon you like a pack of the Wicked Witch’s flying monkeys when threatened or challenged.

A lot of those people have certain tells, that you can spot from quite a distance away; a quick click of a profile pic can save you hours of pointless arguing and quite a few clicks of the block button. Because I’m cranky and can’t think straight today, I felt like sharing some of those warning bells, the things that almost immediately make me just click away, saying “Nope, do not engage.”

* If they can’t be bothered with at least a vague attempt at correct punctuation, grammar and spelling. I’m told this is elitist, but if you don’t think your thoughts are worth enough to put them down coherently, then why I am I supposed to think they’re worth trying to puzzle out the reading? Double this sin if, when questioned or called out for it, they scream about elitism or claim they don’t have time to bother with it.

* If they make a point of referencing their gender/sex/sexuality/race as often as possible, often in places where it has little to no relevance; if they consistently use the phrase “as a <insert identifier here>” any time they chime in; if their skin tone, dangly bits (or lack thereof) and relationship with those dangly bits (or lack thereof) frequently seems to be the focus of discussion as opposed to any other subject, accomplishment or personality trait.

* If they use the phrase “if you have to ask” on a semi-regular basis. Obviously, someone has chosen to ask; if you have touted an opinion, situation or feeling loudly enough that someone has stopped to listen, and has an inquiry, why, yes… we have to ask. Funnily enough, people are different, and someone would like your opinion on why a given thing has occurred or what you think of it. Dismissing it in this way seems to indicate you’re a shallow twat who can’t actually explain their stance, or that you’re an elitist ass who considers others questioning you as being beneath your notice. Either way, it’s not a good look.

* I have multiple Twitter accounts. One of them is essentially “clean,” with no followers and following no one. This second account is primarily to see what folks have to say when I’m on their block list (since I’ve found myself on many block lists for no discernible reason and I’m a curious sort.) If you block people who you haven’t interacted with by virtue of who else they follow (*cough* Steve Shives *cough*) or who follows them, or you block them when they ask a question or disagree with you, I’m almost immediately wary. If you retweet someone after blocking them with captions like “blocked, bitch,” you’re definitely on my shit list.

* If they use the clapping hands emoji more than once in a sentence, if they repeat the same phrase more than twice, especially in all caps, or worse, both at once, that’s pretty much a one-way ticket to “nopesville.”

* Anyone who ends a post, story, sentence or post with “everybody clapped” or anything similar. You, sir, are a liar.

…and then everyone clapped.

I may delete this later. I’m just hangry right now.